Elle

The highest point of pisstivity…

So I’ve gotten used to the idea that every week…ok, more like everday I get pissed off to the highest point of pisstivity (thank you Ocho Cinco for that great, completely make believe word). 99% of the time it’s through no fault of my own.  Whose fault is it, you ask?  I like to refer to them as “douche burgers.”  They’ve surpassed being a douche and have been able to make a whole meal out of it and spread their stupidity to the general public.  How is this possible on a daily basis?  I’d be GLAD to provide examples:

The illiterate/otherwise preoccupied driver: I put illiterate because, well, I’m just not sure why some people don’t see big, orange, blinking signs that say “LEFT LANE ENDS”.  They proceed to carry out their travels in the left lane and then look at me like I’M suppose to yield to their stupidity while they’re stuck in front of the blinking sign creating the road block.  If you try to merge in front of my car, I will never, ever let you squeeze in, because your an idiot and I don’t reward bad behavior.

The “baddest bitch”: This diluted, mid 20’s to early 30’s woman is the epicenter of her own, made up universe where people bow at her feet and believe she is an egyptian goddess.  Her wardrobe is usually made up of AJ Wright “steals”, uncomfortable shoes and (maybe) a massive sneaker collection which she believes is a key attribute in making her attractive to men.  If you ask her, she’s the “baddest”, “realest” bitch around.  I only get mildly irritated at this bitch because I am firmly against delusion. You’re not bad, or real, if you have to keep relaying this fact to me.  After a while, I will begin to have a completely sarcastic conversation with you while agreeing to all your claims about other “fake bitches” and your man problems.  Your inability to decipher my sarcastic tone, makes me warm on the inside.  Kind of like when you find that AJ Wright top discounted for $9.99.  We are similar…yet so different at the same time.  Different in the fact that 10 to 1, you’d be on the ground looking for your tooth if for any reason our conversation became confrontational.  Unlikely, but you just never know these days….

The forthright drunk: This is usually the guy outside of the bar or club either after it’s closed or in the outdoor smoking area.  I hate you, and your family (your family are innocent victims which I wouldn’t mind preying on due to your idiotic actions).  Their questions usually consist of: “how are you?”, “what’s your name?”, “where are you from” or “hey, you look like…”  Dude, if I wanted to talk to you, I would have.  I choose my words wisely and eloquently, therefore, I don’t waste them on an ugly, drunken, hot mess known as yourself.  Also, due to Americans’ consistent neglect for our air quality, I wouldn’t like to waste the little bit of clean oxygen I have left talking to you.

The Slow Mover:  Ok, I am completely cool with old people; in fact, I think they’re hilarious.  AARP cardholders moving at the rate of 1mph in the mall doesn’t bother me.  I’d take a long stroll too if I thought it was going to be my last one.  What pisses me off, is the person who is in the store moving at a snail’s pace because their brain can’t register all the colors and textures quick enough to take another step forward at the same time.  Like, whyyyy are we just standing in the entrance?  Oh, you’re reading your receipt?  Well, go TAKE A SEAT and read it over there!  Oh, you’re deciding whether you like that sweate or not?  Well, take ONE and look at it.  Why must we ogle and block the entire rack?  I’m pretty sure I want the $200 sweater so STEP ASIDE!

The incompetent emailer: I email all day long.  Doesn’t give me an excuse to have the inability to form coherent thoughts via keyboard.  I get 2, 3, even 4 page long emails where I cannot determine what someone was trying to tell me.  When you type a sentence that reads, “the amount I pay the children’s dental will be subtracted from what he pays for the children’s dental medical and half of this will be subtracted from child support.   The amount I pay for dental will be subtracted from what he pays for my medical the difference will be subtracted from child support” leads me to believe that *someone* didn’t re-read their email did they?  People wonder why their divorce take so long.  It might be because you can’t form a complete thought that we can even argue. 

There’s more…but these are the high rollers.